UNHAPPINESS IS A PERSONAL CHOICE

When I launched my book, HAPPINESS GUIDE FOR BEGINNERS, I chose as a dedication for my readers: "I hope that this book will always remind you that happiness is a personal choice". Yet so is unhappiness and unfortunately this is a very frequent choice of people.  What exactly makes us choose unhappiness?

1. WE COMPLAIN TOO MUCH!

Way too much! If you make a simple observation exercise,  you will see that it is an international sport. From the daily news to our office colleagues, mainly bad things are noticed. And even if there isn't any, we invent it. Our brain is an operational instrument which puts into practice the received information. We should not, therefore, be surprised if everything we do is to induce ourselves a feeling of discontent.

2. WE GET STUCK IN NEGATIVE SITUATIONS

If a person mistreated you once, that is an accident, if they treated you badly the second and the third time, then it represents a choice. Because you accept being treated badly. And if you complain about this to your friends and relatives but you get in the same situation, it does not necessarily mean that you DID something about this. Life and reality are very diverse. If you get used to being a dynamic person and you embrace change, you will be able to build your reality as you wish it. If you get stuck in patterns, and you do not want things to change, do not complain. You chose the unhappiness and "if you want different results, you need to think differently" as Dr. Richard Bandler says.

3. WE DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT ATTITUDE

Attitude does not always mean fighting the people who threaten the comfort and decency of your existence, it means in many situations the distance you need to take or to speak out clearly what you are willing and what you are not willing to do. Too many times we try not to hurt the feelings of the people around us, but if we "collect" frustrations and we "explode" later, I do not think it helps anyone.

4. WE GET STUCK WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE

Sometimes we spend time with people because we got used to them. If you want to diagnose your life, have a good look at the people you're holding near. We are a mimetic species and we unconsciously imitate what we see around. If you want to be successful, stick around successful people, and if you realise you are unhappy, check who are the unhappy people around you. It is a good thing to analyse your five closest people, because they are your external mirror. Remember that you establish rapport with them and it puts you on the same frequency with them, so make sure you find yourself on a good one.

5. WE LACK COURAGE

As I have already described in my book, the moment I faced death, I realised it was pointless being afraid and not accomplishing what I wanted to accomplish, or living the way I wanted to (of course as long as I did not harm the people around, yet it meant from time to time telling them the naked truth).

Unfortunately, we are afraid, too afraid of doing what would make us happy. And we just get stuck, like that, and life passes by. And when we go through a crisis, we realise that the changes in our life are not bad, on the contrary! It is the moment when you look behind and realize that if you had made a tiny effort every day, your life would be now much, much better!

6. WE DO NOT ORGANISE OUR TIME BETTER

A lot of unhappiness and misery come from poor time management. We keep postponing what we should do, not to make a tiny effort, and we get into a state of  "I do not care anymore", which, later, when it is too late, becomes bitter disappointment. If we stopped the autopilot and we organised our lives better, many reasons for disappointment would disappear from our lives.

7. OUR CONVICTIONS

We are too many times educated in the idea that life is a jungle, we teach our children that life is hard, that people are evil, and guess what will our brain do? It will make us take those actions that will made us leave those realities. It is a matter of education what convictions to have. If you think that something bad will happen to you, or worse, as I could read posted on Facebook that every time something good happens, you should wait for the worse, then you are on the surest path towards unhappiness.

It is true that in your life, as in the life of each and every human being, there will be tragedies, tragedies that happen for no reason, yet, the most painful and hardest to get over are the tragedies created by our way of thinking. So, if you live a big number of tragedies, it is possible that you have an active role in producing them.

8. WE GET STUCK IN THE PAST

Unfortunately, too many people live their lives under the influence of what happened in the past, whether they were abused, they were left or someone dear to them died. If we let our past rule our life, and if we let the bad experiences of the past dictate our present, we are of course condemned to unhappiness. Thus, it is important for us to be present in our lives, to keep in mind Dr. Bandler's words: "The best thing about the past is that it is over"

In conclusion, there are many things to be said about unhappiness and basically, among its causes are the opposites of the things that make us happy, things I broadly analysed in my book.


If you liked my article, you may also like:

http://stefanabalan.blogspot.ro/2013/07/10-things-that-will-make-you-happier.html

http://stefanabalan.blogspot.ro/2013/07/5-killers-of-your-dreams.html

http://stefanabalan.blogspot.ro/2013/01/nlp-techniques-for-dealing-with-past.html

5 KILLERS OF YOUR DREAMS

 

The first thing I learnt since I have been reading about NLP and personal development is that if someone accomplished something, then any person can. 

As a matter of fact, this affirmation represents one of the postulates of NLP which pretty much contradicts (to a point) the widespread idea of talent. 

Indeed, recent studies on the human genome and DNA showed that there is not such thing as genetic codes for talent. 

As a result, any child, with the right education and motivation can become the second Einstein, so we do not need to produce clones of the scientist because what he accomplished was the result of the way he developed in terms of education and personality. 

Ok, you may ask me, if people are so similar, why are there princes and beggars (and when I say princes, I do not necessarily have in mind noble titles)? There are several reasons:  

1. FEAR

Fear, as I have been writing, played its role in the survival of the species, at times when going into the wild without your tribe would have meant almost sure death. 

It is no longer the case nowadays. There are very few reasons for fear, yet fear is greater than ever. 

Fear blocks. As a matter of fact this is its neurological role, to block the neuro-cortical connections and stop the action. 

I went to the animation movie "The Croods" with my son, and I totally adored the film. 

I am happy that the script writers from Hollywood introduce elements of personal development in the films. 

If you are afraid of doing new things, if you are afraid of being wrong, you can't possibly evolve. You really can't! 

2. SOCIAL PROGRAMMING

I have recently been in a park with my son, and as I stayed there I could hear a lot of parents stopping their children from doing almost everything. 

We teach our children what not to do more than what to do. 

This social programming is so deeply rooted in my mind that I hear myself telling my son way too often not to run, not to go far, not to, not to...

I do not think that you can change your programming if you do not become aware of it, and I do not think that you can have different results if you continue to think the same way. 

Yet many people around me do that, they do exactly the same things and expect different results. 

Even in my case, the idea that I NEED to do certain things because I need to, has blocked my creativity many times. 

School also teaches you "to stay in your place" and that's exactly what you should not do if you want to become successful. 

3. THE COMFORT ZONE

I was raised and lived with the idea that happiness is somewhat synonymous to a high level of comfort. 

Yet, the unhappiness of many people who have money seemed to contradict me. And rightfully so! 

To a certain point, too much comfort means stagnation, boredom and in the end, unhappiness. 

People buy all-inclusive packages for their holidays and other products and services that should raise their life comfort and then they notice that they are unhappy. 

The brain is not built to do the same things all the time, the human brain is a very evolved instrument that should be used for new activities as well. 

The comfort zone is represented by those neuro-cortical connections the brain learnt and can do on autopilot, but these are not enough for our brain's well-functioning, and it sends us signals translated in boredom and dissatisfaction. 

Life means DISCOVERY and even though the comfort zone is a warm one, you will never accomplish something great from it. 

There is no successful person who is stuck in the comfort zone. 

Whoever stays in it, stagnates! 

The good part about our brain is that it gets used to the idea of making changes and will oppose less and less resistance. 

If you find it really difficult in the beginning to do new things, the more often you do those, you will find it easier.  

Unfortunately, at times, in order not to disturb the zone of comfort, people do not even dare to dream. 

In life, one needs purposes, and every purpose is, if you want, a dream, bigger or smaller. 

Yet, too many times people expect others to tell them what to dream about. 

Thus, we get to another enemy of our dreams, namely:

4. THE NEED FOR EXTERNAL VALIDATION. 

We are educated in the idea that everything we do, we need to do in conformity with the expectations of others. 

You are not beautiful, if your partner doesn't tell you, you are not a good professional unless your boss tells you ... and the list may continue for every aspect of your life.

 People put labels on themselves or accept the ones they've got. 

Any person is a potential person. 

To accomplish something you need to evolve and evolution implies action. 

If you want to bring value, be ready to do things differently and if you do things differently, there will be people to tell you that what you do is not right. 

That is the moment when you need to continue because it is a sign that something is changing. 

5. PROCRASTINATION

A fifth killer of your dreams, and probably one of the most ruthless, is PROCRASTINATION. 

It is very dangerous because it infiltrates in our lives very easily and becomes second nature very fast. 

It is deceiving because it does not imply giving up, only moving the moment of action, and we move it until there is nothing we can do anymore. 

Procrastination is an extremely toxic habit, because you do not realise how many opportunities you lose. 

And you lose them daily... 

Paul McKenna exemplified it very suggestively with the story of the little frog put in a pot that is heated gradually. It does not jump out but stays there until it dies. 

This is what happens to our dreams as well...

In conclusion, do not kill your dreams and do not let the ones around you kill them either. 

I promise you, and life proved it to me, if you have a dream and you follow it even though the people around you discourage you, or your brain does not seem happy to listen to you, then your chances to fulfill it are very high. 

You should fear only one thing in life and that is a boring life! Have a great life! 

You can read more on this topic in the chapters: SOCIAL PROGRAMMING, DEALING WITH PROCRASTINATION and THE POWER OF DETERMINATION from my book HAPPINESS GUIDE FOR BEGINNERS 

If you liked my post, you may also like:

http://stefanabalan.blogspot.ro/2013/07/when-love-dies-how-to-accept-idea-of.html

http://stefanabalan.blogspot.ro/2013/07/10-things-that-will-make-you-happier.html

If you like it, please share!

WHEN LOVE DIES - HOW TO ACCEPT THE IDEA OF A BREAK-UP

I am convinced that at one point in my career of inspirational author (self-proclaimed, of course), I will write a book dealing with the theme of  the death of love between two people, and in this case, I am dealing with love in its more erotic sense and I do not have in mind the affectionate and respectful feelings that two people who were together should keep for each other.

In a way, this world is created on the principle of transformation, nothing lasts forever, and we are created as such  too. Realistically now, as Dr. Bandler put it, all love affairs end in tragedy. Whether they break-up, or one of them dies, they all come to an end. I like a quote I saw on Facebook which, paraphrased, would sound like that: never be sorry for a love story which ended, but be sorry if you haven't felt love at all. Since I had the "chance" to meet Death once, I realized how transitory is our existence and how unawares of this we live it, we do live it as if we were immortal, and at least under this form, we are not. And when love dies, instead of realizing our ephemerality, we are revolted. We are hoping that hatred will release us from the pain, yet it does nothing but fill us with fear and blocks. And those prevent us from living.

I used to live that kind of jealous love, exhausting and full of fear, followed by a separation hard to understand and with a lot of turmoil, I filled myself with hatred in order to accept the separation, but I know now that this is not a solution. 

If the partner leaves, whether they leave  for someone else or due to the arguments, it does not mean that you are not valuable. The society invented invisible chains, like marriage, this "love contract", so that we do not try to flee in case love deceases. Yet, love sometimes dies, and waving a contract over  its dead body will not bring it back to life, but it will get even worse due to the misery and pain the two  in case, and their children, go through in courts.

One important part of personal development is to learn, once and for all, that "people do not own people" and to give our partners freedom, even the freedom to choose someone else at one moment if this is what they feel. Personal development allows us to see in a separation not a tragedy, but a chance to reinvent, to get out of the comfort of a relationship which had become warm, and to see in the lesson of this end a warning that everything will end at one point in our lives.

A break-up comes with the promise of a new relationship, of a person we will be more compatible with. The world we live in is very dynamic, people separate more frequently, therefore, regardless your age, you have the chance to find a partner who may come more experimented and understanding.

It is very important not to allow the ending of the present relationship to traumatize, not to force the brain to make painful generalizations, because, I promise you, closer than you think, YOUR NEXT GREAT LOVE awaits for  you. The secret is that you be ready to live it!

If you liked my article, you may also find the next posts interesting: 
http://stefanabalan.blogspot.ro/2013/01/nlp-techniques-for-dealing-with-past.html 
http://stefanabalan.blogspot.ro/2013/07/10-things-that-will-make-you-happier.html

You may also like the chapters LOVE AND ROMANCE as well as DEALING WITH THE PAST from my book  HAPPINESS GUIDE FOR BEGINNERS

10 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPIER

My first book, HAPPINESS GUIDE FOR BEGINNERS, has HAPPINESS as main theme. It is a theme people have been talking about forever and a state that seemed reserved only for the luckiest of us.  People are looking for happiness in the most interesting places and experiences while this is an internal state which can be present every day in our lives. The states we have are given by the neuro-chemical reactions in our brain and we are the ones who can decide what kind of reactions should take place in our magical internal lab.  After all, one of the most important conditions for happiness is to get inside yourself first and improve what you have there. Many are the things you can do to have a state of happiness and the most at hand are:

1. SMILE AND KEEP A STRAIGHT BODY POSTURE. When you smile, the brain releases serotonin and gives you a state of well-being instantly. At the same time, when you do that, you have the chance to see the good things you have around, because we cannot perceive reality in all its complexity, but we perceive it based on our internal map. If you smile and keep straight, you will rather see life's opportunities than its threats.

2. THE PEOPLE AROUND. Let us not forget that we are social creatures and being around others represents a source for a state of well-being. The secret is to surround ourselves with quality people who bring value to our lives. I have also learnt that people generally treat you the way you treat yourself and the ones around you mirror you to a certain point. That is why, it is important that you become the change you want to see in the world, as Mahatma Gandhi said, and the people around you will imitate you. Yet, this does not mean that if you spend your time with people who are negative, mean and who gossip, they will automatically change. It is important for you to make a selection of the people because the ones I have mentioned may throw at you the mud they have within their souls when you expect it the least.  

3. POSITIVE THINKING. The images you have in your mind about your life are the ones shaping your reality and represent action commands for your brain. The brain is built to perform mental orders. And as a secret, the unconscious mind does not read the negation, only the command itself, so even if you say "I do not want to get that wrong." or "I do not want to arrive late", "I do not want to postpone" or other similar negations, you risk doing those because this is what you are sending to your brain. It is extremely important to see the good part of things because this is how your brain will help you do the actions which will lead to your success and thus, you will have all reasons to be happy. 

4. CHILDREN. I consider that the happiest people are those who learnt to enjoy things and activities with the children's enthusiasm, to keep curious and to play, even if they are doing something serious. I may be a bit subjective here, because I am recharging my batteries from my little son or from my not so little teenage students. I do consider that people would have a lot to gain if they spent more time being present in the lives of their children or the children around them. 

5. THE PRESENT MOMENT. One of the most effective strategies to stop negative emotions, depression, anxiety or any negative element is to be present. When we are present in our lives, we release ourselves from the burden of the past and we focus on what we really have, namely the present moment, the now. Our concentration increases and a state of well-being will take us over, a state of calm happiness. I think that becoming present is the most at hand method to change our state into a positive one. 

6. WORK AND FULFILLING OUR GOALS. Happiness is, as Richard Bandler says, an adverb rather than a noun. You happily do things. You happily talk to your spouse, you happily work, you happily play with your child. It is a feeling related to action and in order to be happy, it is vital to have purposes and action. Work is important because it gives you the feeling of being valuable, do your job in the best way possible and you will get the most important kind of appreciation, your own! Always have objectives, smaller or bigger and fulfill them. Be perseverent in fulfilling your goals and you will be a LOT happier. Do not allow yourself the excuse not to take action because procrastination and lack of purpose are the greatest causes for unhappiness.

7. GRATITUDE. I know that in this world there are many rich people who are extremely unhappy. Unhappiness is closely related to a lack of  gratitude and satisfaction, the feeling that you do not have enough to be pleased (and I do not mean money here). The happiest people learnt to focus on the plus in their lives and while they feel good, they can obtain whatever they desire. The ones who observe lack send these signals to the brain which perceives them as a command of action and leads those to situations in which they only have reasons for discontent. It is important to see what we have, to be content, because the feeling of contentment unblocks the brain and allows it to think about other actions that could solve the unsatisfactory situations in our lives. (Discontent has a main source fear, and fear has the role to block the brain from doing the potentially dangerous actions for us).

8. FOOD AND EXERCISE. These two have an extremely important role in keeping a state of well-being. Make sure that you do not lack raw fruit and vegetables and eat breakfast to feel great from the beginning of the day. At the same time, it is important to move your body. Many people think of exercising only as being part of a clearly organised schedule. Yet, your slogan should be, as Paul McKenna nicely put it in his book "I can make you thin", LESS FOOD, MORE EXERCISE. I walk as often as I can, I go to the gym at least twice a week (I now swim a lot), I bought a stepper and use it for at least 2000 steps/day. There were moments when I took less exercise, others when I took more. The idea is that I do my best, and since I am flexible, I feel less frustrated. Physical exercise makes the brain release endorphins and serotonin, hormones which are vital for your feelings of happiness and balance. Move your body as much as you can and you'll feel happier.

9. YOUR HABITS. You are indeed the sum of your habits. The good news is that "we are the only known species able to programme itself" (Richard Bandler) so you can get new habits after 21-30 days of daily practice. A diary of progress, success and gratitude can change your focus from negative to positive. Waking up early in the morning, cleaning, exercise, breakfast, creative activities, the evening walk can become habits which will make you happier.

10. LOVE. The most powerful driver for happiness is represented by love. I am not talking only about the love between men and women (sometimes that is not even real love, but a feeling of possession), but the love towards everything around us. It is our decision to love or hate our job, colleagues, partner or relatives. And hate is a form of fear too... Love enables us to access our consciousness and creativity, to accomplish great things and make people happy, is that state that allows to do things without worrying that we would be criticised or not appreciated. Love is freedom and happiness! Only by loving will you be happy!

There are, of course, many ingredients for happiness, but I subjectively chose these ones.
What do you think? What makes you happy?

If you liked the article, you may like the chapters LOVE AND ROMANCE, OUR CHILDREN, OUR WORK and THE POWER OF THE PRESENT MOMENT  from my book HAPPINESS GUIDE FOR BEGINNERS  

You can read the article in Romanian here: http://balanstefana.blogspot.ro/2013/01/10-lucruri-care-te-fac-fericit.html